Ultimate Sci-Fi Top 10: Robots

Written by Blake Neale.

Last night's Ultimate Sci-Fi Top 10: Robots saw critics, writers, special effects experts and actors selecting their ten best robots from the world of science fiction.

In this article, I shall cover every aspect of Red Dwarf's involvement in the countdown.
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Narrated by Alexander Armstrong, the programme opened with a montage of clips showing what was to follow. Featuring was a still photograph of Kryten (the one also used on the Smeg Ups video cover), and Robert Llewellyn himself saying "He's got a head like a peculiarly sculpted lump of mashed potato."
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Marvin the paranoid android from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy was at number seven. Red Dwarf co-creator, Rob Grant shared his view on the robot:

He's relentlessly funny. Almost everything he says is funny.

Robby the Robot from Forbidden Planet was next at number six, and Robert Llewellyn shared his childhood memories on the entry:

Robby the Robot was probably the first robot I ever saw as a child. And I (laughing) don't know how impressed I was.

Next up was the one we've all been waiting for: Kryten 2X4B 523P from Red Dwarf.

Archive clip: The title sequence of Red Dwarf III.

VO: At five: How a robot brought domestic bliss to outer space.

[Rock guitar starts bashing out the theme tune.]

ROBERT LLEWELLYN: There's a long list of descriptions of Kryten that I've always liked.

DANNY JOHN-JULES: Novelty condom-head.

Archive clip: Camille.

KRYTEN: I respect your sense of dress more than anything, and I'd really appreciate your opinion of this outfit.

ROBERT LLEWELLYN: He's got a head like a peculiarly sculpted lump of mashed potato.

Archive clip: Camille.

KRYTEN: Do you think I'm attractive?
RIMMER: You? Of course not. I think you look like a giant:

DANNY JOHN-JULES: Half-chewed.

ROBERT LLEWELLYN: Rubber-tipped.

ROB GRANT: Pencil.

Archive clip: The last few shots of the title sequence of Red Dwarf III.

ROB GRANT: I didn't expect Red Dwarf to remain popular as long as it has done. In fact, it was a blessing it was popular at all from our point-of-view.

Archive clip: Meltdown.

[KRYTEN demonstrates the matter paddle to the others in the sleeping quarters.]

VO: Welcome to the mining ship Red Dwarf. Three million years in the future with its crew of holograms, cats, slobs and a mechanoid bogbot.

ROB GRANT: When we first created Kryten it was as a guest in an episode of season two.

Archive clip: Kryten.

[KRYTEN moving about on the Nova 5.]

ROB GRANT: So we didn't think about his long term character at the time. And he basically was just an easy-to-please man-servant.

Archive clip: Kryten.

KRYTEN: I'm programmed to serve.
LISTER: There's no one *to* serve, Kryten. That's the point.
KRYTEN: What about Mister Arnold? I've got to complete Mister Arnold's tasks.

Screen wipe to:

Archive clip: Meltdown.

RIMMER: Couldn't have done it without Kryten here.
KRYTEN: Oh, I'm sorry, sirs. I had no choice; I'm programmed to obey, no matter how psychotic and deranged the human order.
LISTER: Rimmer...

VO: But by series three, Kryten was a permanent feature of Red Dwarf, with a new face under the rubber make-up in Robert Llewellyn.

ROBERT LLEWELLYN: Kryten's character always intrigued me because he was designed to be a service mechanoid - to clean the toilets and the service ducts.

Archive clip: Polymorph.

KRYTEN: I just thought I'd give your quarters a quick tickle around, sir.

ROBERT LLEWELLYN: "Bogbot" is how he's often referred to; he's a sort of cleaning droid.

Archive clip: Polymorph.

[KRYTEN attaches the tube to his groin and begins vacuuming.]

LISTER: I didn't know you could do that!
KRYTEN: Oh yes. I can plug a number of add-ons into my groinal socket, allowing me to perform virtually any household task imaginable.

ROBERT LLEWELLYN: He's quite p____(?) in his own way.

Archive clip: Polymorph.

LISTER: What, so you just, like, stick the egg whisk attachment on the end and you can, like, whip up a Spanish omelette?
KRYTEN: I certainly can, sir. But it's amazing how few people are prepared to eat them.

[KRYTEN spasms as he sucks up a coin.]

ROB GRANT: The look sort of came out of necessity.


ROBERT LLEWELLYN: He's a handsome, rugged, six-foot tall, chiselled individual. Whose head is made of rubber.

Archive clip: DNA.

SPARE HEAD 1: It was my turn to be main head next month.
KRYTEN: Well, obviously that's no longer possible. Aren't you happy for me? I'm not a mechanoid. I'm not second class anymore.

ROB GRANT: We wanted to have his face sort of angled so he looked less than human and pronouncedly an android.

Archive clip: DNA.

SPARE HEAD 2: What about Spare Head 3? You can't just leave him here - he's got droid rot.

ROBERT LLEWELLYN: The make-up was extraordinary because one of the things I assumed when I first met the writers and producers was that it would be like a Robocop thing - where you have some sort of helmet with funny eyes. You know, and that would be the only bit we'd see. (Adopting his Kryten voice) Yes sir!

Archive clip: DNA.

SPARE HEAD 3: Ye came int' this world as a mechanoid, and a mechanoid ye'll al'us be.
KRYTEN: I don't have to take this from you. I'm a human. Shut your stupid flat head.

ROBERT LLEWELLYN: The mask is one piece like a rubber balaclava, really. And the only way you can imagine what it felt like was if you could pull a hot water bottle onto your head. Not a full one - an empty one. With two holes for your eyes and holes for your nose. So you could breathe, but you kept it on all day. If you can imagine what that would be like, that's not - NOT as bad (laughing) as the Kryten mask.

Archive clip: DNA.

SPARE HEAD 2: What's it like?
KRYTEN: It's indescribable, Spare Head 2.

ROBERT LLEWELLYN: The curse of it was it looked really good. You know, I'd moan and complain about how uncomfortable it was and look in the mirror and go "It's extraordinary."

[The Hammond organ version of the theme tune starts playing.]

Archive clip: Camille.

KRYTEN: I'll be right down, sir.
RIMMER: (on screen) You'd better be.
LISTER: Now, Kryten. Remember yesterday's class? Our instructions on insults.

ROB GRANT: Kryten deserves to be in the top ten robots because, frankly, he's the most pleasant of all the robots.

Archive clip: Camille.

LISTER: How do we describe the gentleman who's just been on the screen?
KRYTEN: He's Mister...
LISTER: No, no...

ROBERT LLEWELLYN: You know he'll help you. And in fact, in Kryten's case he would even destroy himself very willingly in order to make your life better.

Archive clip: Camille.

KRYTEN: He's a smeee...
LISTER: He's a...

DANNY JOHN-JULES: He's one of those loveable characters that, you know, I think you'd want as a mate.

Archive clip: Camille.

KRYTEN: He's a smeeeg... heeaaaad. I did it!

VO: Kryten from Red Dwarf tidying up at number five in our chart. Watch out for him in a brand new series of How Clean is Your Spacestation?

So there you have it. Kryters has been voted the fifth top robot of science fiction. Extraordinary.


There were, however, more Dwarf talking heads to come...

When R2D2 & C3PO of Star Wars were placed fourth, Robert Llewellyn said:

You'd think if you were watching the film you'd want to know what was happening to the humans. But often when I remember watching that film, it was a relief when the robots came on. (Laughing) Think: "Ooh, I like them."

And a wee bit later talking about C3PO:

The costume's just stunning, and you really felt it was a working robot.

Rob Grant also had more to say when Bender of Futurama reached third place:

No care for anyone except for himself, which makes him wonderful.

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Ultimate Sci-Fi Top 10 Robots:
10. ED-209 (Robocop)
9. The Cylons (Battlestar Galactica)
8. K9 (Doctor Who)
7. Marvin the paranoid android (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
6. Robby the Robot (Forbidden Planet)
5. Kryten (Red Dwarf)
4. R2D2 & C3PO (Star Wars)
3. Bender (Futurama)
2. The Terminator (The Terminator)
1. False Maria (Metropolis)
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Well, I can't sit around here all day. I've got to get out the Smeghammer and loosen up my underwear.

That's it.
Smeg off again.

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